Breakup fog.
Everyone suffers from it after a breakup. You can't think. You struggle to form coherent sentences. Even simple tasks, like brushing your teeth, seem impossible.
"What went wrong?" you wonder. "How did this happen? Why doesn't she love me anymore?"
"How do I win my girlfriend back?"
That last question is an important one because it's all about your future actions, not about what happened in the past.
And if you really want your girlfriend back, then you need to snap out of your breakup fog ASAP.
You need to act, and act decisively, from the very first moments of the breakup, to prepare for the possibility of getting back together.
Note the word possibility. Getting back together with your ex is not going to be easy, nor is it guaranteed, but if you follow these five steps, you'll open the door to reconciliation.
1. Accept the breakup with dignity
"But Mom... I really want ice cream for dinner! Wanna, wanna, wanna! Why won't you let me have it? Why?!"
Think about a kid begging and pleading for something sweet to eat. Kind of annoying, right?
In fact, all that whining makes it less likely that the kid will get what he wants.
Well, keep that image of the kid in mind after your breakup. Begging and pleading never works. In fact, it just annoys and turns off the other person.
When your girlfriend initiates the breakup, the natural thing you want to do is beg for her to stay. But that will only going to drive her away.
She's already decided to break up with you. And it was not a callous or impetuous decision. She likely struggled with the decision and wavered about her feelings. The breakup is something she thought a lot about, and believes is the right choice.
So, you need to agree with her.
Yes, it feels wrong. But you need to affirm her decision, or she'll feel like you're dismissing her feelings.
And if you agree with her, you are on her side vs. her opposition. You won't be her "enemy" in the breakup.
You can't move toward reconciliation if you become your ex-girlfriend's enemy.
2. Begin "No Contact"
Again, this will be completely contradictory to what you naturally want to do.
After your breakup, you'll want to call, text, email, or chat with your ex-girlfriend. After all, you used to talk every day! You can't imagine not speaking to her. And you just want to see how she's doing.
Don't.
Put down the phone. Stop typing that message. Delete that email draft.
After you've accepted your ex-girlfriend's decision to break up, that means you need to respect it. She wanted out of the relationship, and all that calling, texting, emailing... that was part of your relationship.
"But how will we ever get back together if we don't talk?" you ask.
You must wait for her to reach out to you.
It will be hard. In fact, this will be the hardest step in the road to reconciliation. And you'll often wonder...
"What if she never contacts me?"
She will, at some point - if you left with the relationship with dignity, you give her space, and you...
3. Move on with your life
Yeah, we know what you're thinking: "If I move on, we'll never get back together!" and "How will I keep our relationship going if I'm trying to move on?"
Think about that last question you're asking yourself. "How will I keep our relationship going... "
Your relationship is over. She's no longer part of it. And you can't keep it going by yourself.
When we talk about reconciliation, we're talking about a new relationship. Your previous relationship with your ex is over. It can be resuscitated.
But you can start a new relationship with her.
To do that, however strange it feels, you need to move on and build a life without her.
Think about before you began your old relationship. You had your own life - friends, activities, interests. And she had hers.
You met, were attracted to each other, began dating.
Think of your relationship as a wall. The old paint color chipped off and became dull. You want to repaint with a new color, but first... you must prime.
So, rebuild your own life. Reconnect with your friends, if you've lost touch with them. Make some new friends, too, especially if most of the people you know are mutual friends with your ex.
Renew your activities and interests... and find some new ones!
You need to "prime" your life before you are ready to paint again.
The Natural Thing
These three steps probably seem like the opposite of what you want to do.
But let's use a medical analogy. If someone gets stabbed with a knife, it seems natural to take it out and staunch the wound. In fact, you should leave the knife in and take the victim to get medical care.
After your girlfriend breaks up with you, it may seem natural to beg her to stay, constantly text her, and sink into a black hole of loneliness.
That's how you show her how much you love her, right?
No, if you truly want her back, fight those first inclinations. By staying on her side, respecting her feelings, and priming yourself for a new relationship, you are giving yourself the best possible chance to win her again.
Everyone suffers from it after a breakup. You can't think. You struggle to form coherent sentences. Even simple tasks, like brushing your teeth, seem impossible.
"What went wrong?" you wonder. "How did this happen? Why doesn't she love me anymore?"
"How do I win my girlfriend back?"
That last question is an important one because it's all about your future actions, not about what happened in the past.
And if you really want your girlfriend back, then you need to snap out of your breakup fog ASAP.
You need to act, and act decisively, from the very first moments of the breakup, to prepare for the possibility of getting back together.
Note the word possibility. Getting back together with your ex is not going to be easy, nor is it guaranteed, but if you follow these five steps, you'll open the door to reconciliation.
1. Accept the breakup with dignity
"But Mom... I really want ice cream for dinner! Wanna, wanna, wanna! Why won't you let me have it? Why?!"
Think about a kid begging and pleading for something sweet to eat. Kind of annoying, right?
In fact, all that whining makes it less likely that the kid will get what he wants.
Well, keep that image of the kid in mind after your breakup. Begging and pleading never works. In fact, it just annoys and turns off the other person.
When your girlfriend initiates the breakup, the natural thing you want to do is beg for her to stay. But that will only going to drive her away.
She's already decided to break up with you. And it was not a callous or impetuous decision. She likely struggled with the decision and wavered about her feelings. The breakup is something she thought a lot about, and believes is the right choice.
So, you need to agree with her.
Yes, it feels wrong. But you need to affirm her decision, or she'll feel like you're dismissing her feelings.
And if you agree with her, you are on her side vs. her opposition. You won't be her "enemy" in the breakup.
You can't move toward reconciliation if you become your ex-girlfriend's enemy.
2. Begin "No Contact"
Again, this will be completely contradictory to what you naturally want to do.
After your breakup, you'll want to call, text, email, or chat with your ex-girlfriend. After all, you used to talk every day! You can't imagine not speaking to her. And you just want to see how she's doing.
Don't.
Put down the phone. Stop typing that message. Delete that email draft.
After you've accepted your ex-girlfriend's decision to break up, that means you need to respect it. She wanted out of the relationship, and all that calling, texting, emailing... that was part of your relationship.
"But how will we ever get back together if we don't talk?" you ask.
You must wait for her to reach out to you.
It will be hard. In fact, this will be the hardest step in the road to reconciliation. And you'll often wonder...
"What if she never contacts me?"
She will, at some point - if you left with the relationship with dignity, you give her space, and you...
3. Move on with your life
Yeah, we know what you're thinking: "If I move on, we'll never get back together!" and "How will I keep our relationship going if I'm trying to move on?"
Think about that last question you're asking yourself. "How will I keep our relationship going... "
Your relationship is over. She's no longer part of it. And you can't keep it going by yourself.
When we talk about reconciliation, we're talking about a new relationship. Your previous relationship with your ex is over. It can be resuscitated.
But you can start a new relationship with her.
To do that, however strange it feels, you need to move on and build a life without her.
Think about before you began your old relationship. You had your own life - friends, activities, interests. And she had hers.
You met, were attracted to each other, began dating.
Think of your relationship as a wall. The old paint color chipped off and became dull. You want to repaint with a new color, but first... you must prime.
So, rebuild your own life. Reconnect with your friends, if you've lost touch with them. Make some new friends, too, especially if most of the people you know are mutual friends with your ex.
Renew your activities and interests... and find some new ones!
You need to "prime" your life before you are ready to paint again.
The Natural Thing
These three steps probably seem like the opposite of what you want to do.
But let's use a medical analogy. If someone gets stabbed with a knife, it seems natural to take it out and staunch the wound. In fact, you should leave the knife in and take the victim to get medical care.
After your girlfriend breaks up with you, it may seem natural to beg her to stay, constantly text her, and sink into a black hole of loneliness.
That's how you show her how much you love her, right?
No, if you truly want her back, fight those first inclinations. By staying on her side, respecting her feelings, and priming yourself for a new relationship, you are giving yourself the best possible chance to win her again.
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