Friday, February 10, 2012

4 Steps to Make Her Love You Again After A Break Up

Have you recently heard your girlfriend mutter these three words?

'I need space' or even worse, the dreaded 'I don't love you anymore'. It can seem like the end of the world can't it? And for some reason our natural instincts tell us to do exactly the opposite.

"Let's just talk about it."

"Why don't I come over later?"

"Just give me five minutes."

The only thing worse than blurting out one of the above sentences, is to turn up, unexpected, out of the blue. For some reason, men seem to think that when a girl needs space, that means to surprise her after work, or as she is getting off the train on her way home, usually armed with flowers and a four-page love letter (front and back).

Unfortunately as good as your intentions are, all this does push her further and further away.

To make matters worse, this rather 'too nice' approach is often rapidly followed by bitterness and anger, and before you know it, you've lost all hope.

If you haven't yet made these mistakes, then;

STOP!

BREATHE!

If you want to win your ex girlfriend back, the first thing you have to do when you hear these words, 'I need space' or 'I don't love you anymore', is to listen. And by listen, I don't mean hear the words and jump into action, but rather listen to them, take them in, let them settle, and accept what they really mean.

The reality is simple, and it is by no means the end of the world, or indeed the relationship. In many ways it is nothing more than a test, and can often come at a point in a relationship when things are close to progressing to that next stage.

When men have problems, generally in life, you tend to put your heads down, get on with things, and hope that the issues go away. Women, however, are a lot better at acting on emotions, and thus sometimes, once men step back, you may actually understand that perhaps space isn't such a bad thing after all.

Space tends to be a woman's way of reasserting exactly how she feels. Men can be a lot more possessive by nature, and sometimes the idea of spending time apart from your girlfriend, even when clearly it is beneficial, can be a hard pill to swallow. It is, however, often extremely healthy, and also a great opportunity to prove not only your love, but your trust, faith, strength, and ability to adapt to your partner's needs.

Step 1 - True Acceptance Of The Reality

Now step 1 and step 2 really go hand in hand, and one shouldn't exist without the other. Acceptance is great, but prepare for the vicious wrath of your girlfriend if acceptance is the only thing. Believe me, the last thing a girl wants to hear when she asks for some space is 'okay then, see you later'. It has to be backed up by Step 2, 'Honesty'.

Step 2 - What She Needs to Hear vs What You Want to Say

As clich├ęd as it may sound, there is really no better ingredient for a healthy separation period. After showing you're happy to respect your girlfriend's wishes, it is now time to dig deep, and tell her truthfully how you feel.

But what do you say?

It is important to be balanced and calm, and not desperate and emotional. Of course it is okay to show some emotions, she would expect that, but no clinging on to her heels as she leaves the door. As mentioned above, first you need to accept her wishes. Tell her that you understand that she needs some space, and that you are willing to support her. Then, and this the tricky bit, you need to open up.

This is where you have to be strong. You have to be positive. Don't talk about your love as if it has now been crushed, or you are losing your grip on it. Speak about it as if it is entering a new and exciting stage. Be calm and measured, and don't be self-deprecating. She doesn't want to know that 'it's okay, I can change!' If you want to win your ex back, just show her that you care, and that you will always respect her needs, even when it means doing something that you don't necessarily want. Show her that you love her, and not that you need her.

Step 3 - Space vs Ignoring Her Completely

It is also important to make yourself available to your girlfriend. There is a big difference between giving space and abandoning her completely. Be prepared to be treated either like a friend or ignored completely. That doesn't mean you should ignore her back. It just means that there's a fine balance between not being needy guy who jumps whenever she calls and the guy who doesn't answer her calls or messages... ever.

Most likely you'll want to be the guy who answers her calls and waits "patiently" for her to miss you bad enough that she comes back. But be warned. The only way she is going to do that is if she misses you. To miss you, she needs space. Therefore, it's best to be on the receiving end of any communication... at least in the beginning. Don't appear too eager to reconnect unless she gives you that sign first.

Step 4 - Don't Just Wallow In Your Own Misery

From my experience, men often respond to this sort of rejection by staying at home, and shutting the rest of the world out. I think often it is scary for men to try to have fun without their partner. What if suddenly you stop missing her? What if it is more fun without her? These are questions that most men would rather not face up to, but this space is yours too.

You need to give yourself the chance to gain a new perspective on your relationship, and learn about what you really want. Don't be afraid to have some doubts, it is natural, but don't run from them. If you start to question your relationship, then really think deeply about it, and what it means to you.

It is a good time to take up that course you have always wanted, or that hobby that you have put aside. Your girl will be a lot more impressed if you are doing something constructive with your time, rather than simply using the freedom to rebel.

Don't be controlled by fear.

I am all too aware of how difficult this period can be for any guy, but it is important to not be controlled by fear. Instead allow the love that you feel to give you strength. If your ex girlfriend appears to be irrational during this period, accept it, don't question it.

Remember, despite the fact that she chose to have the space, it doesn't mean that it is not also difficult for her. Be supportive to her when she is struggling, and be prepared to receive mixed signals. The important thing is to stay strong.

If you believe in the relationship enough, then this period of space can be the best thing that will happened to you. Remember not to fear what might happen, but rather to stay focused on what you want to happen. It may not be an easy ride, and if at times you slip, and drop her a text or dial her number, don't worry. It is only natural. Don't be too hard on yourself, there is no perfect way to cope with this situation.

The important thing is to always bring yourself back to that calm place. Don't allow your emotions to run away with you and for one mistake to snowball into a catastrophe. Take a deep breath, and forgive yourself. Yoga, meditation, and exercise can also help with this. This is the perfect opportunity to develop your emotional balance.

Finally, don't give up. If you really want to win back your ex, be prepared to play the long game. Don't wait forever, or put your life on hold, but rather accept that the love is still there. Don't worry about pride, or what your friends are saying, simply trust yourself, and regardless of the outcome, you will be ok.

2 comments:

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